Winter continues

So winter seems really long now, we just had snow again over the weekend. Of course my oldest son loves it because he and his friend, who is 16, go out plowing snow. His friend has his own suburban and has put a plow on it and they go around and take care of peoples driveways, they love it . All I know is my driveway is usually the last to get done, but whatever. The trees look really pretty with all of the snow on them but once it starts to melt a bit it will take on that grey dirty look that everything gets when the snow melts. I wishit could just dissapear instead of melt then I would be happy to have the snow. Tomorrow is the last day of February so spring is what 22 days away? It sure doesn't look like it outside. My middle son is going into the Hockey playoffs and my oldest is gearing up for baseball. Things are always busy here. Oh and my second son says "He is cool". My fourth son is in his room right now and grounded, he is being dissrespectful and rude and the baby is just being the baby. I am being monitored by my three oldest boys so I can't continue, they want lunch and I have to go get it going.

Christmas is coming, again

I try to get up for the holidays but it is hard. Especially when there is so very little money for decorating and gifts. Yesterday was my anniversary - 18 years I have been married to him. He sent me a centerpiece for the table, it is christmas looking with evergreen and white flowers and a candle in the middle. He said on the card "Think Christmas" all I can think about is all the stuff I haven't done. I guess it was thoughtful of him to send flowers, however we really don't have money for extras and I told him not to buy me anything. So then I had to give him the book I bought him for Christmas. I didnt even have a card for him. It seems as I get older holidays and birthdays and special occasions just don't hold their luster like they did when I was a kid. I think it changed when my daughter died at birth, I have tried to get over it but every day I think about her still and it has been seven and a half years. I think it has stymied my emotional expression. I just don't care like I used to. I feel like, nothing I do is going to matter that much anyway, so why bother. I used to send cards for every little thing, kept a stash just in case something came up for someone that warranted a card, now I am luck if I even send a Christmas card. I didn't last year. I used to make gifts for people and I was so into the holidays, now I just don't have the energy. I want to feel good again. I want to care like I did before. I wish I knew the answers, I tried ask Jeeves but he doesn't know shit.

Why I don't write more....

Why don't I write more? I read my Sissy's blog all the time I am even anxious for it some days I check it twice just to make sure she hasn't written something new. She makes me laugh, every time I read her blog I am chuckling. I love the way she writes. I on the other hand am pretty boring. Not a lot going on in this girl's life, just kids, and sports for the kids, and laundry so the kids don't have to go around naked, and cooking so the kids aren't hungry. So I am doing things all the frickin' time but none of it is any good. Sometimes I get the chance to knit or sew and I like that but mostly it is just kids. So I guess that is why I don't write more...

Mother's Day

I think what I need to do is have no expectations at all, ever, about anything. Then there is no way for me to be disappointed. Am I selfish? Do I not appreciate things? Whatever it is I need to shake it and move on. I just need to vent first.....Mother's Day morning 2006 - I rise very early and can not go back to sleep because my hubby is snoring by my side, loudly. So I go downstairs and get the paper and make coffee and sit on my couch and read. It is nice and I think he will rise soon and make my breakfast. Alas that was not the case, he rose and said "why did you get up so early?" Then he said "we need to talk about money" my most non-favorite topic in the world, so we talked about money endlessley and then it was time to take hockey son to practice - yes on Mother's Day. So I made my own piece of toasted bead with cheese melted on it and off I went. Practice was good because no one bugged me and I got to knit. Then it was home to what I thought would be lunch but no, there was no lunch. So I made myself a sandwich and then the boys bugged me to go fishing which I really didn't want to do but they were standing there with their poles and looking at me like fishing would be the very best thing in the whole universe. What's a Mom to do, so we wnt fishing all afternoon. Then it was home to what I thought would be a great meal which I didn't have to cook. Wrong again, I made the burger patties, and cooked them along with the steak and baked potato I bought when I went to the store.

Now the boys did get me a gift certificate to Borders and John bought me some book by an author I never read as if I have the time to read. I barely have the time to type this, the boys are around not doing what they are supposeed to at this very minute so I have to go and crack the whip. You know I have been married for almost 18 years, do you think by now hubby would get that what I really want is to be taken care of for one day. To not have to do the taking care of others, just one day. I hear quiet NEVER a good sign.

The Big 40

So I am 40 now.....I don't feel that different, I don't know what it is supposed to feel like but I feel the same as I did the day before my birthday. I hate birthdays. The expectations are too high and nothing good ever happens. My expectations are that it is going to suck and I am usually right. My kids made me a card, or rather, my middle son made the card and signed it for most of them, he also put .20 cents in there "it was all I had" but darling hubby? No card, no gift, no cake. He didn't even say the words "Happy Birthday" I got "you look a little different this morning" at 5am when he woke me up to make his lunch. And "Hi Birthday girl" when he called me later in the day. My Mom called and wanted to take me out to lunch or dinner or something but I said no because my oldest had a baseball game and I wasn't feeling very much like celebrating, so she is mad at me. My one girlfriend called and offered to send me out to get my nails done, which is so sweet but impractical for me. I said no because I had to do school with the kids and laundry, always laundry. And my in-laws who don't even really like me, called and sang to me. So I wasn't totally forgotten.

Of course I kept thinking in the back of my mind that my own family would do something, but I guess I should know better by now. And joy of joys people, Mother's Day is coming so there is a whole 'nother chance to feel like crap.Gosh I am depressing, someone slap me. At least they won the baseball game.

I'm a little bitter

Christmas was nice. I got to see my Mom and my Sissy on Christmas, my Dad and Stepmom on Christmas Eve. The kids had a nice time and got some really great gifts. I got gift cards to Target so I am trying to decide what to shop for, I don't want to waste them.

The thing that is bothering me now is New Years Eve. J and the kids are going up to Door County to see my monster-in-law. She had a big old heart attack around Thanksgiving and of course luck was with her and one of her guests at the dinner party she and her husband were having was on oxygen so she got oxygen till the EMT could get there. Then they transported her to Green Bay where she coded twice! Yet they were still able to save her and give her a pacemaker. I have always said that she was indestructable and now I know it. She will never die. I am doomed to have her hanging around forever. So she cried and begged and of course John said yes to us all coming up there for New Years only then she says she doesn't want the dog up there, so we either find a kennel - big bucks, or guess who stays home. Now I truly don't mind the staying home part, the part I am bitter about is not being with my hubby and kids on New Years. Everyone says she can't live forever, be nice to her, give her what she wants. But I beg to differ, she is going to live a damn long time and she is never nice. She has said horrible things about me and my parenting and how I have ruined J's life by having all these kids(five boys). She is so mean to her husband and guilts her children all the time into doing just what she wants. I really don't like her at all and yet she is my husbands mother and my kids grandmother so I try to be nice, but it is very hard to do. Last year my husbands sister got divorced and because my in-laws lost their regular stop of going to her house to visit with her kids and her husband they stayed with us all day long, because of that my mother wouldn't come over she hates my mother-in-law because of some things that my mother-in-law said about me to her. Really if you are going to diss someone don't do it to their own Mom.

I guess I need to figure out a way to let it go, but it would have been a lot easier if she would have just died, I know that is mean but I can't help it she just causes so much misery in my family that I really can't help it. This venting helps, no one even knows about this blog except my sissy so I feel safe expressing here.

CHRISTMAS IS LOOMING

As I write this there are 51 days 9 hours and aproximatley 47 minutes till Christmas...According to the organized I should have bought my cards and or supplies to make them, the postage to mail them and I also should have started to address them. I should have made my shopping list, divided it into five equal groups and as I purchase each group of presents each week I should wrap them. I should as well take an inventory of my family wardrobe and see what pieces need to be purchased to complete their holiday outfits. Boy am I behind.

I have an idea what my Christmas cards will be - I do make them every year, I like to - but the postage purchased? When I finally finish addressing the cards I run to the post office buy the postage and stick them on at the table out in the hall. Presents are a whole 'nother matter indeed, I know what I want to get everyone, make a list and then revise it because I look at the funds, or lack of, and I realize that yet again I have next to no money and even making the gifts will be hard because where does the money come from for the supplies to make them? Then I spend some time feeling sorry for myself and the downward spiral of seasonal depression is upon us- fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. And holiday outfits, please. With five boys I am glad if it is clean and only slightly wrinkled. I would love to have an ideal holiday but I think that it just isn't in the cards or me.

51 days people, 51 days.

MOTHERS DAY DIDN'T TOTALLY SUCK

Well I thought it was going to suck really bad because I had to work from 10:30 to 7:00, and I was pissy and depressed and bitchy about it. I think it was showing because my manager kept asking me what was wrong, I kept saying nothing but he didn't believe me, because he kept asking. Anyway... I am at work and John and the boys show up, they were looking for some tap set to fix a motorcycle. I kept looking for them to say goodbye, but they never came back my way. So I finally go on lunch and I figure I am going to eat in the car because I am not good company to anyone, and I am eating and it is really hot so I think I am going for a drive to cool off and suddenly my phone rings and I am thinking emergency because how would J know when I am on break, but he says "where are you going?" and proceeds to tell me he was coming to get the truck so they could pick up more dirt for the backyard, so I pull off and switch the cars and I go back to work. Then finally around 4:00 I get sent home - HOORAY! - so I go home and I get in the house and they tell me close your eyes and they lead me out onto the deck and I open my eyes and there is a big beautiful gas grill! I have wanted one for like five years, I get so sick of waiting for charcoal and this one is great it has three burners and a side burner and it is stainless steel and beautiful! I guess they had to do a lot of secret stuff around the store to get it by me because I was all over the store doing different things and they couldn't talk over the radio because I had one on a lot of the time. Covert ops as the kids said. Well he totally surprised me this time! And Mother's Day didn't totally suck.

Birthdays are just another day

So today I am thirty nine, when I was younger I always looked forward to my birthdays and adults would say "just wait till you get older, you won't look forward to them they are just another day." I thought - You are totally stupid and I will always love my birthday. But today I am thirty nine and it really is just another day. Things really change when you get older, you have so much to do, and you don't really have that much time to sit and ponder about what you want for your birthday, who you want to come to your party, if your Grandma will send you money again.....blah, blah, blah. Somewhere along the line the "specialness" of the day just evaporates and you are just glad if you get cake. In my head I am still young, but in the mirror the lines around my eyes are getting a little deeper, and the skin on the back of my hands is starting to look like my Mom's. I can't deny the years are just slipping by quicker and quicker, and I still have to decide what I want to be when I grow up.

My Sissy called me this morning and it was great to talk with her, we don't get to chat very often. She is young and getting her freak on with many young men, I think it is awesome. She knows how to have fun and she is going for it. I sometimes have some envy girl feelings about how free she is, no one to tell her what to do really and no one always up her behind asking her to do things for them. Plus she is a smartie girl and has many deep thoughts. I just think about what I am making for dinner, and did I remember to switch the laundry from the washer to the dryer? It gets smelly if you don't and then you have to wash it again.

The other thing is, and I believe I have expressed this before, my birthday is the same damn day every year, why does my hubby always say "Honey, I didn't have time to get you anything." I already have a gift for him for fathers day and it is in frickin June for Pete's sake. Is that just a general man thing? Do they even think of the day at any other time, even like a week before and you can plan something. He always waits till the last minute for me, it sort of makes me feel like an afterthought.

Anyway, it is a Tuesday, just another day.
..

Busy

I have a job, I work at Menards, I am a cashier. I will learn to scan items. I will learn to enter prices. I will become Uber Fantastic Cashier of the Universe. Plus I will still be a mother to five boys, a wife to a big boy, hockey mom, baseball mom/team manager, homeschooler. I am thinking busy bee that is me. Of course I will be able to do all of this and still be sane - won't I?

You know what I think I want, I want Clean Sweep, the tv show, to come and organize my life. You know like a do over, a clean slate. Problem is, I think they only do two rooms for the show. And I need the whole house, the garage, and my cars and anything else I haven't thought of. I think that would be my dream come true. Heavy Sigh.....

WASH YOUR HANDS NOW GO PEE IN A CUP

Well I may have a job at Menards after all that is if I can pass the pee in a cup test. I think I did ok, I got it all in the cup so that is a plus. Is drug testing everywhere? I was amazed by that. I guess we shall see about the pee.

Also over the weekend we had a hockey tournament in Wisconsin Dells. That place is Las Vegas for children. I have never seen such a touristy place. The hotel was nice and I got to go in the hot tub outside in the snow! That was so pretty. Lost every game though, my poor little goalie man. He was so depressed. I want him to be on a winning team so that all the hard work he does is not in vain. I love that little boy so much!

THE BACK AND FORTH MOODINESS IS VERY TAXING TO THE HEART

I can't figure people out, sometimes they are warm and fuzzy and other times they are harsh and cold and biting. And the quickness with which they change these moods of theirs makes me dizzy.

I can't even get a job at menards I am such a loser...

DAYS MAY BE CLOUDY OR SUNNY...

I am mostly out of the money. So the days are mostly cloudy no matter what it looks like outside. I have applied for jobs, this I have not done in over twelve years. I have not worked outside my home in over twelve years. Every time I apply for a job I think there is no way these people are going to hire me as I smile and try to talk like a grownup, another thing that hasn't happened in over twelve years. Life is funny, I need the money to feed my family and pay off debt but I would never say that in an interview. I wonder if it shows on my face how desperate I am....later.

CHANGE IS GOOD

I changed my blog look, black. I think it makes me look thinner.

WELL IT IS FEBRUARY TOO...

February sucks too, I have too much stuff and I am weeding it all out so the house is even more of a disaster than it usually is. Therefore, hubby's undies are riding up his butt and he has been in a mood lately. Ergo, my mood is stinky as well.

I did find a great site/group thing called freecycle and it rocks. You know that dress you were forced into buying for your friends wedding and she promised that you would be able to wear it again and you knew the moment you tried it on you would never wear it even if they stuck hot pokers under your fingernails but she was your friend after all and you felt as if you owed her. Well you can put that sucker on freecycle and someone will arrange to come and pick it up and either wear it themselves or give it to their niece who loves to play dress up. It is for all sorts of things that are "still good" and you can't bear to throw into a landfil somewhere, I guarantee that someone out there will want them for something. I have given more stuff away lately, it is very freeing. You can also get things as well but this I do not advise or you will never clean out your house you will simply fill it up with other peoples stuff and that is not freeing, trust me. They have local groups all over and if you should happen on this blog and you have the need to free yourself - look for it. It is a yahoo group.

Also Valentines Day is coming, poop! I really have bad feelings about Valentines Day. I think it is a giant rip off for one and it has become very disappointing as well. All those commercials showing glowing happy people giving and receiving jewels, flowers and candy. And the smiles on their faces, well let me just tell you that my face never glows like that. Hell I don't need a dozen red roses or a diamond ring, I would love it if I got a handmade card. Or if he would take the time to have my kids make me a card, alas it never happens. So poop on Valentines Day!!

It seems like ages...

Ok, so it has been a while but I have had hockey. I know that doesn't seem like it should be such a big deal but it is, there are practices to drive my #3 son to, games to drive same son to. And you always have to be there like an hour early because he has so much gear to put on - goalie. You would think I would get some reading done or something... but no I usually chat with the other hockey moms or take care of the baby or just sit there and stare off into space.

So far this year sucks, I wonder if that is a pre-determiner (is that a word?) for the whole year or is it just January?

BEER AT THE MOVIES

I WANT BEER AT THE MOVIES!!! OR MAYBE WINE

If there was a theater around here that served beer I could probably get my husband to go to a chick flick. Of course I would have to be the desiginated driver, but that would be ok. I remember sneaking beer into the drive in, that was always fun.

On another note, Friday night there is a band playing at a nearby towns jazz club/resturant and I know nothing about them except the name LIBIDO FUNK CIRCUS, and frankly I htink that is enough. I am going.

Why can't I leave a comment?

Sissy I can not leave comments for you, or I would. I am glad that B/N is not so poopie. I hope you are getting things settled and finding things. I did see and aldi by the way, did you find it? Let me know.

SOMETIMES SUNDAYS CAN BE COOL

Sundays are usually a lame time for me...


Usually I wake, feed the masses, and then clean and do laundry. All the while listening to my husband lament about the fact that he has to work the next day, which is really hard to deal with. I know he works hard and long hours but I am stuck with five children all day every day and he acts like it is some sort of vacation, which sucks.

But, today was good, bordering on great. It started the usual way and then after breakfast(on the deck, nice) I mentioned that there was a garage sale in a neighboring community. He, uncharacteristically(is that how you spell that?) says - "let's go check it out." Me not wanting to miss a fabulous opportunity said "I'll get dressed." We went, we shopped, and we found some really cool things - fishing lures for him and the boys and books and a tablecloth for me. FUN!
Then we went home and loaded up the canoe(he got last weekend while I was moving my Sissy, it was free!) and went to this place where we could canoe and the dog could swim and we had a blast!!! These are the days that I will strive to remember for the rest of my life. Everyone having a great time, beautiful day, sun shining, dog swimming, kids playing and laughing. If every day could be like this for everybody, the world would be so happy and calm.

We came home and cooked out and had spontaneous company - friends from down the street- and it was really good. Right now the boys are playing in the yard with friends and not arguing or fighting. They are having fun and eating burgers and having a fire in the fire pit. I can see them through the back sliding doors. Gosh I love days like this...

Sissy if you read this I am sending you a package it has the coolest plates and just some fun things for you. I will mail on Monday so look for it towards the end of this week. Love you!

HELPING SISSY MOVE

Saturday I took # 3 son to hockey and then when I picked him up at 10:40 I went to drop him off at my Mommy's house with my #4 son. #1 son was with Dad and #2 son and #5 son was with me as I drove 600 miles last weekend to move my Sissy. The only good thing is the next time she moves she will be in the same town. Actually it was not too bad, the people at the co-op house she lived in in IOWA were very helpful and loaded the trailer with me. That was about 5:00 then we ate at the IOWA 80 Truck stop, which can be very difficult for a vegetarian - my Sissy - but I truly enjoyed the steak sandwich. We finally rolled into Bloomington, which is not so poopie, around 9:00pm, so late that it prompted my Sissy to get a lock for the trailer, which I forgot, rather than unloading it. Then we tried to sleep but # 5 son baby Z would have none of that , he slept in the car , don't you people know that it is time to play? And thhen My hubby called ant tlike 11:40, during a heated game of Trival Pursuit, to ask me who played the Mom in The Graduate? At the time I was asleep and I didn't realize he was cheating, so I answered him. It was only later that I discovered that I was a part of some horrible cheatin plan to beat his sons at a board game. Who knew? I was sleeping and I answered out of instinct.

Life is funny like that. I am really excited about my Sissy doing her Masters in Bloomington. It only took me like two and one half hours to shoot up 39 towards home. Not bad at all. Maybe she will get to come home more often and msybe I will get to see more of her acting. I think my Sissy is special and talented. I hope that she makes some great contacts at this school and goes on to do more theater. I can't wait to go see her . She has some really solid brass cahones(sp?) I never would have had the guts to do what she is doing. She has faith in herself and she knows what she does is worth something. I love that about her.