Christmas is coming, again

I try to get up for the holidays but it is hard. Especially when there is so very little money for decorating and gifts. Yesterday was my anniversary - 18 years I have been married to him. He sent me a centerpiece for the table, it is christmas looking with evergreen and white flowers and a candle in the middle. He said on the card "Think Christmas" all I can think about is all the stuff I haven't done. I guess it was thoughtful of him to send flowers, however we really don't have money for extras and I told him not to buy me anything. So then I had to give him the book I bought him for Christmas. I didnt even have a card for him. It seems as I get older holidays and birthdays and special occasions just don't hold their luster like they did when I was a kid. I think it changed when my daughter died at birth, I have tried to get over it but every day I think about her still and it has been seven and a half years. I think it has stymied my emotional expression. I just don't care like I used to. I feel like, nothing I do is going to matter that much anyway, so why bother. I used to send cards for every little thing, kept a stash just in case something came up for someone that warranted a card, now I am luck if I even send a Christmas card. I didn't last year. I used to make gifts for people and I was so into the holidays, now I just don't have the energy. I want to feel good again. I want to care like I did before. I wish I knew the answers, I tried ask Jeeves but he doesn't know shit.

Why I don't write more....

Why don't I write more? I read my Sissy's blog all the time I am even anxious for it some days I check it twice just to make sure she hasn't written something new. She makes me laugh, every time I read her blog I am chuckling. I love the way she writes. I on the other hand am pretty boring. Not a lot going on in this girl's life, just kids, and sports for the kids, and laundry so the kids don't have to go around naked, and cooking so the kids aren't hungry. So I am doing things all the frickin' time but none of it is any good. Sometimes I get the chance to knit or sew and I like that but mostly it is just kids. So I guess that is why I don't write more...

Mother's Day

I think what I need to do is have no expectations at all, ever, about anything. Then there is no way for me to be disappointed. Am I selfish? Do I not appreciate things? Whatever it is I need to shake it and move on. I just need to vent first.....Mother's Day morning 2006 - I rise very early and can not go back to sleep because my hubby is snoring by my side, loudly. So I go downstairs and get the paper and make coffee and sit on my couch and read. It is nice and I think he will rise soon and make my breakfast. Alas that was not the case, he rose and said "why did you get up so early?" Then he said "we need to talk about money" my most non-favorite topic in the world, so we talked about money endlessley and then it was time to take hockey son to practice - yes on Mother's Day. So I made my own piece of toasted bead with cheese melted on it and off I went. Practice was good because no one bugged me and I got to knit. Then it was home to what I thought would be lunch but no, there was no lunch. So I made myself a sandwich and then the boys bugged me to go fishing which I really didn't want to do but they were standing there with their poles and looking at me like fishing would be the very best thing in the whole universe. What's a Mom to do, so we wnt fishing all afternoon. Then it was home to what I thought would be a great meal which I didn't have to cook. Wrong again, I made the burger patties, and cooked them along with the steak and baked potato I bought when I went to the store.

Now the boys did get me a gift certificate to Borders and John bought me some book by an author I never read as if I have the time to read. I barely have the time to type this, the boys are around not doing what they are supposeed to at this very minute so I have to go and crack the whip. You know I have been married for almost 18 years, do you think by now hubby would get that what I really want is to be taken care of for one day. To not have to do the taking care of others, just one day. I hear quiet NEVER a good sign.

The Big 40

So I am 40 now.....I don't feel that different, I don't know what it is supposed to feel like but I feel the same as I did the day before my birthday. I hate birthdays. The expectations are too high and nothing good ever happens. My expectations are that it is going to suck and I am usually right. My kids made me a card, or rather, my middle son made the card and signed it for most of them, he also put .20 cents in there "it was all I had" but darling hubby? No card, no gift, no cake. He didn't even say the words "Happy Birthday" I got "you look a little different this morning" at 5am when he woke me up to make his lunch. And "Hi Birthday girl" when he called me later in the day. My Mom called and wanted to take me out to lunch or dinner or something but I said no because my oldest had a baseball game and I wasn't feeling very much like celebrating, so she is mad at me. My one girlfriend called and offered to send me out to get my nails done, which is so sweet but impractical for me. I said no because I had to do school with the kids and laundry, always laundry. And my in-laws who don't even really like me, called and sang to me. So I wasn't totally forgotten.

Of course I kept thinking in the back of my mind that my own family would do something, but I guess I should know better by now. And joy of joys people, Mother's Day is coming so there is a whole 'nother chance to feel like crap.Gosh I am depressing, someone slap me. At least they won the baseball game.