THEN THERE WAS ONE...

So I have been working at this ice rink and it is the first six months we only opened in September. Already we are losing people at a really fast clip. First the Figure Skating Director quits, too much stress. Then the bookkeeper quits, too much stress. Now my boss, and may I say a great boss, she is fantastic, well she is quitting too. It is convoluted and weird and too hard to explain but she also said the GM is probably going too so that leaves me in the office and I hate it. I like my job but part of the fun was working with my friend and now she will be gone. I just want to cry, who knows maybe they will fire me too and have a clean slate. I am depressed and sad and I have to go to work. This is too much!

WHEREVER YOU GO THERE YOU ARE.....IN HELL

It seems to me that I use this as a release for all the stress I am feeling. I really don't have anyone to talk to so I guess that this is better than freaking out completley and going postal on the people in my life. I feel like I have so many troubles that if I talk about them all all I would do is complain. So I don't say too much because I feel like people must be tired of hearing about how horrible it is in my life. But it really doesn't get much better. You know how some say "it can't possibly get any worse" well they are wrong, of course it can. It can always get worse. There are days when it feel like I am a blind person walking through a landmine infested field - it doesn't matter where I step something blows up only I have to keep walking and keep on hitting the landmines every day. This week my phone bill is past due, my electric bill is past due and I still have to pay February mortgage. My furnace broke down the other day and that had to be repaired, it took my entire paycheck and trust me I had plans to pay bills and get food with that. Every time I plan ahead I get screwed. I am so discouraged by life and I am depressed and really feel like I am in Hell.

How much more can a person take?

Seriously, I really don't know how much a person is able to take without just losing it completely. My husband lost his job just before Christmas, nice huh? Thirteen years with the same company and then it's "sorry pal see you later." He is searching for work but as a plumber work right now is slow and that is on a good day. Construction has grinded to a halt around here and when he called the union hall he was told that he is number 129 on the bench, that means there are 128 guys to go before him. We blew through what little savings we did have and now we are on unemployment which pays you about one third of your actual salary which at our house is just about enough to pay the mortgage and that is it. No car payments, no utilities, no insurance, no food , no gas in the car, no nothing. There are days when I just don't even want to get up in the morning, and not to mention the five boys who depend on us for everything they need. It makes you feel like the worst parent in the world to not even be able to get them
Christmas presents or birthday presents. If it hadn't been for a girlfriend of mine none of them would have had anything under the tree. And then how do you think my husband feels about that? He is so bummed out about all of this, he wants to provide for all of us but he only knows one thing and he can't do it. We have tons of bills and we can't pay them and this isn't like we have charged up a fortune of unnecessary things on a charge card and can't pay them this is we can't even pay the electric bill or the gas bill or the phone bill. We don't even have charge cards any more, we learned that lesson a long time ago. So hubby and I fight all of the time and we never see each other because he is out trying to find work during the day and I am working at night. It doesn't seem right that it should be this hard, we have been married almost twenty years, you would think that by now things would be a little easier by now. That we would be better at life, but we are still messing things up and I don't know but I feel guilty because I haven't figured out how to do life better. He keeps telling me that we need to find a solution, to find something that we can do that will bring us some money, something to get him out of plumbing. He keeps looking at me like why haven't I figured it out by now. And I keep waiting for him to tell me what it is that he really wants to do. I don't have any ideas, I have a hard enough time getting all the kids to do their schoolwork/homeschooling them, trying to keep the house clean, clothes washed, kids on their chores and going to work myself. How am I supposed to come up with an idea that will be a moneymaker, enough to get him out of plumbing and support our family? I want someone to tell me what to do, how to make it happen. I just don't think I can take any more of this shit. And did I mention how much I hate having him around all crabby and mean because he isn't working, he is on my last nerve. I feel like we don't even like each other any more, and I am running out of "give a damn" when it comes to him. He has said he wishes he could leave and sometimes I wish he would. Life sucks in just about every way imaginable, I never thought it would be like this. I never thought I wouldn't even like my hubby, we have been best friends for so long but I don't want to talk to him I don't want to be around him, it is just ugly.