New Job, New Attitude?

Well maybe not the attitude. But a new job. I am working at the Leafs Ice Centre in West Dundee. I work in the office, it is a nice job. I like my boss Paige she is easy to work for and she is one of those women who give you lots of kudos when you do good work which makes a person feel good. As well as a little awkward, I am not used to the compliments and I always feel like blushing a little. Anyway the job is fairly easy, answering phones, data entry, general office work. Things have changed in the office world since I was in it last, the copier is a mystery to me - where is the super large Xerox that sounds like it might take off? And of course there is the whole computer thing. I have the data entry thing down that is a no brainer but every once in a while she will ask me if I know how to format something in a word document or make a spread sheet.... I am now kicking myself for not taking computers in high school. I remember thinking " what am I going to need that for?" as I walked down the hall to use the mimeograph machine for a teacher. Now I see. It seems that everyone can do this, the little teenagers who come to work can do these things and I, well, I figured out the internet, blogging and how to make a birthday card with the software that came with the home computer I bought. I guess there are so many more things you can do with a computer. Perhaps I need to investigate this a little more. The only problem with working is I am gone almost every night. I leave the house around four and I don't get home till ten or so. I miss being with the kids a little. I liked bedtime, baths and stories and cuddling. I don't get to eat dinner with the family and I am sure they are eating whenever they want and wherever they want as evidenced by the plethora of plates and glasses in the family room when I get home. Plus there is the fact that I come home and the kids are still up and my husband is in bed. Now I realize he has to get up early but I get up with him every day and I homeschool the kids all day and make dinner that I never get to eat and work for 4-5 hours and come home and clean up and I still have to be the one who scoots them upstairs! I am having a bit of trouble with this. I wish he would just put the littles to bed and then I will deal with the older ones but almost every time I walk in baby is sleeping on the floor and Jake is sleeping on the chair or the couch. Oh well at least the money is helping out a bit. I will have to work out the other stuff.

Sometimes I just want to give up

There are days when I just want to pack it in and say the heck with it all. My kids drive me crazy, we have no money to pay the bills, and my hubby and I have a relationship that could seriously use improvement. It would be so much easier to just chuck it and be done with it. I wish I could but with five boys and a hubby and a house and a job it isn't possible. Maybe if I just got rid of the dog, I really don't like having a dog. They are so much more work than I ever thought and I really don't enjoy anything about taking care of them. Of course I can say that about my own children some days. I guess I am just in a really bad mood. I need something to cheer me up.

Easter

Well it is almost Easter, our family is going to my Mom's and wonder of wonders we are actually having family. My two cousins and their spouses are both coming, this should be different and fun. I don't think we have had a family type of holiday since I was little. I don't count the ones we celebrated with my husband's family because they were more like hell than a holiday, my mother-in-law is the devil.

There has been something going on with me and my emotions. I know what it is of course, my daughter's birthday is coming up. Actually it falls on Easter this year, two days after my second son's birthday. I feel so sad and like crying all the time, I still miss her every day and no one understands. No one even remembers her at all. I guess it is normal for other people to forget her, it doesn't affect their life so why should they remember her? But my husband doesn't remember her birthday either. He doesn't talk about her or anything. My Mom doesn't my Sister, no one. It sucks, I just still wish she was here.

IT IS ALMOST SPRING

Well tomorrow is officially the first day of spring, my crocus are blooming and some of the other things are poking through. Time for new beginnings. I wish I could have a do over sometimes, start new and bloom all pretty like the flowers get to. I have had a hard time with my second son today, he is in a really bad mood and is fighting me on the schoolwork , failed his math test and then tried to refuse to do the make up work. Screamed at me and threw a fit, I told him he was grounded and he said "I don't care" and then he said a few other things, which I wont repeat so i grounded him for another day and then another. He is in his room now and he is still crabby. So am I for that matter, I feel like he just didn't even care that he was speaking to me that way. I am still pretty upset by this and I want to cry. And I want to run and I want to scream and I feel like hitting something, hitting it really hard.

HOW MANY TIMES CAN I SAY IT?

This morning when I came down at 5 am the kitchen was a mess and the coffee pot was not made, both of which are the job of my oldest son. I have been letting him do the dishes before he goes to bed at night and sometimes I go up before him because well I have been up since 5am and I have homeschooled four children and taken care of five children(baby is too small for school) fed them cleaned up after them and tried to run the house and help with my husbands buisness, so I am tired. I have trusted him to finish his jobs but he has not been holding up his end of the bargain. So today he is grounded from his favorite thing - Rune Scape - Lord I hate that flipping game! And he just gave me the biggest bunch of attitude over it, " oh the coffee pot like that is so hard that you couldn't do it in the morning" It took every effort I had not to come up out of my chair and slap him silly. I tried to explain that it isn't the difficulty of the job it is the fact that he didn't do the job he was assigned. I have tried to instruct them however there are days when I feel like a complete faiure with all of them. Somedays they are so rude and they talk to me like I am someone who doen't matter. I feel sad and worn out and discouraged and I want to run away. I want to cry all of the time and I feel like they don't love me or respect me or even care about how I feel. You know how whenever you see kids on sports teams on TV and they are waving and smiling and saying "Hi MOM" I feel like my own children would never do that. I don't know how to teach them any better than I am right now, I pray but I also feel like I am not a good enough Christian for God to even listen to. He has better people to worry about and people with problems far greater than mine. This has been a hard morning and it is only 11:06 am. I feel like I say the same things over and over, and really how many times can I say it? You have responsibilities in our home, we are a large family with so much going on that one person can not do it all. I am not superwoman, I can't do it all and I really don't want to. I need help and I want help and I want a vacation. If I didn't have this place to vent I would probably explode!

Winter continues

So winter seems really long now, we just had snow again over the weekend. Of course my oldest son loves it because he and his friend, who is 16, go out plowing snow. His friend has his own suburban and has put a plow on it and they go around and take care of peoples driveways, they love it . All I know is my driveway is usually the last to get done, but whatever. The trees look really pretty with all of the snow on them but once it starts to melt a bit it will take on that grey dirty look that everything gets when the snow melts. I wishit could just dissapear instead of melt then I would be happy to have the snow. Tomorrow is the last day of February so spring is what 22 days away? It sure doesn't look like it outside. My middle son is going into the Hockey playoffs and my oldest is gearing up for baseball. Things are always busy here. Oh and my second son says "He is cool". My fourth son is in his room right now and grounded, he is being dissrespectful and rude and the baby is just being the baby. I am being monitored by my three oldest boys so I can't continue, they want lunch and I have to go get it going.