I'm a little bitter

Christmas was nice. I got to see my Mom and my Sissy on Christmas, my Dad and Stepmom on Christmas Eve. The kids had a nice time and got some really great gifts. I got gift cards to Target so I am trying to decide what to shop for, I don't want to waste them.

The thing that is bothering me now is New Years Eve. J and the kids are going up to Door County to see my monster-in-law. She had a big old heart attack around Thanksgiving and of course luck was with her and one of her guests at the dinner party she and her husband were having was on oxygen so she got oxygen till the EMT could get there. Then they transported her to Green Bay where she coded twice! Yet they were still able to save her and give her a pacemaker. I have always said that she was indestructable and now I know it. She will never die. I am doomed to have her hanging around forever. So she cried and begged and of course John said yes to us all coming up there for New Years only then she says she doesn't want the dog up there, so we either find a kennel - big bucks, or guess who stays home. Now I truly don't mind the staying home part, the part I am bitter about is not being with my hubby and kids on New Years. Everyone says she can't live forever, be nice to her, give her what she wants. But I beg to differ, she is going to live a damn long time and she is never nice. She has said horrible things about me and my parenting and how I have ruined J's life by having all these kids(five boys). She is so mean to her husband and guilts her children all the time into doing just what she wants. I really don't like her at all and yet she is my husbands mother and my kids grandmother so I try to be nice, but it is very hard to do. Last year my husbands sister got divorced and because my in-laws lost their regular stop of going to her house to visit with her kids and her husband they stayed with us all day long, because of that my mother wouldn't come over she hates my mother-in-law because of some things that my mother-in-law said about me to her. Really if you are going to diss someone don't do it to their own Mom.

I guess I need to figure out a way to let it go, but it would have been a lot easier if she would have just died, I know that is mean but I can't help it she just causes so much misery in my family that I really can't help it. This venting helps, no one even knows about this blog except my sissy so I feel safe expressing here.

CHRISTMAS IS LOOMING

As I write this there are 51 days 9 hours and aproximatley 47 minutes till Christmas...According to the organized I should have bought my cards and or supplies to make them, the postage to mail them and I also should have started to address them. I should have made my shopping list, divided it into five equal groups and as I purchase each group of presents each week I should wrap them. I should as well take an inventory of my family wardrobe and see what pieces need to be purchased to complete their holiday outfits. Boy am I behind.

I have an idea what my Christmas cards will be - I do make them every year, I like to - but the postage purchased? When I finally finish addressing the cards I run to the post office buy the postage and stick them on at the table out in the hall. Presents are a whole 'nother matter indeed, I know what I want to get everyone, make a list and then revise it because I look at the funds, or lack of, and I realize that yet again I have next to no money and even making the gifts will be hard because where does the money come from for the supplies to make them? Then I spend some time feeling sorry for myself and the downward spiral of seasonal depression is upon us- fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. And holiday outfits, please. With five boys I am glad if it is clean and only slightly wrinkled. I would love to have an ideal holiday but I think that it just isn't in the cards or me.

51 days people, 51 days.

MOTHERS DAY DIDN'T TOTALLY SUCK

Well I thought it was going to suck really bad because I had to work from 10:30 to 7:00, and I was pissy and depressed and bitchy about it. I think it was showing because my manager kept asking me what was wrong, I kept saying nothing but he didn't believe me, because he kept asking. Anyway... I am at work and John and the boys show up, they were looking for some tap set to fix a motorcycle. I kept looking for them to say goodbye, but they never came back my way. So I finally go on lunch and I figure I am going to eat in the car because I am not good company to anyone, and I am eating and it is really hot so I think I am going for a drive to cool off and suddenly my phone rings and I am thinking emergency because how would J know when I am on break, but he says "where are you going?" and proceeds to tell me he was coming to get the truck so they could pick up more dirt for the backyard, so I pull off and switch the cars and I go back to work. Then finally around 4:00 I get sent home - HOORAY! - so I go home and I get in the house and they tell me close your eyes and they lead me out onto the deck and I open my eyes and there is a big beautiful gas grill! I have wanted one for like five years, I get so sick of waiting for charcoal and this one is great it has three burners and a side burner and it is stainless steel and beautiful! I guess they had to do a lot of secret stuff around the store to get it by me because I was all over the store doing different things and they couldn't talk over the radio because I had one on a lot of the time. Covert ops as the kids said. Well he totally surprised me this time! And Mother's Day didn't totally suck.

Birthdays are just another day

So today I am thirty nine, when I was younger I always looked forward to my birthdays and adults would say "just wait till you get older, you won't look forward to them they are just another day." I thought - You are totally stupid and I will always love my birthday. But today I am thirty nine and it really is just another day. Things really change when you get older, you have so much to do, and you don't really have that much time to sit and ponder about what you want for your birthday, who you want to come to your party, if your Grandma will send you money again.....blah, blah, blah. Somewhere along the line the "specialness" of the day just evaporates and you are just glad if you get cake. In my head I am still young, but in the mirror the lines around my eyes are getting a little deeper, and the skin on the back of my hands is starting to look like my Mom's. I can't deny the years are just slipping by quicker and quicker, and I still have to decide what I want to be when I grow up.

My Sissy called me this morning and it was great to talk with her, we don't get to chat very often. She is young and getting her freak on with many young men, I think it is awesome. She knows how to have fun and she is going for it. I sometimes have some envy girl feelings about how free she is, no one to tell her what to do really and no one always up her behind asking her to do things for them. Plus she is a smartie girl and has many deep thoughts. I just think about what I am making for dinner, and did I remember to switch the laundry from the washer to the dryer? It gets smelly if you don't and then you have to wash it again.

The other thing is, and I believe I have expressed this before, my birthday is the same damn day every year, why does my hubby always say "Honey, I didn't have time to get you anything." I already have a gift for him for fathers day and it is in frickin June for Pete's sake. Is that just a general man thing? Do they even think of the day at any other time, even like a week before and you can plan something. He always waits till the last minute for me, it sort of makes me feel like an afterthought.

Anyway, it is a Tuesday, just another day.
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Busy

I have a job, I work at Menards, I am a cashier. I will learn to scan items. I will learn to enter prices. I will become Uber Fantastic Cashier of the Universe. Plus I will still be a mother to five boys, a wife to a big boy, hockey mom, baseball mom/team manager, homeschooler. I am thinking busy bee that is me. Of course I will be able to do all of this and still be sane - won't I?

You know what I think I want, I want Clean Sweep, the tv show, to come and organize my life. You know like a do over, a clean slate. Problem is, I think they only do two rooms for the show. And I need the whole house, the garage, and my cars and anything else I haven't thought of. I think that would be my dream come true. Heavy Sigh.....

WASH YOUR HANDS NOW GO PEE IN A CUP

Well I may have a job at Menards after all that is if I can pass the pee in a cup test. I think I did ok, I got it all in the cup so that is a plus. Is drug testing everywhere? I was amazed by that. I guess we shall see about the pee.

Also over the weekend we had a hockey tournament in Wisconsin Dells. That place is Las Vegas for children. I have never seen such a touristy place. The hotel was nice and I got to go in the hot tub outside in the snow! That was so pretty. Lost every game though, my poor little goalie man. He was so depressed. I want him to be on a winning team so that all the hard work he does is not in vain. I love that little boy so much!

THE BACK AND FORTH MOODINESS IS VERY TAXING TO THE HEART

I can't figure people out, sometimes they are warm and fuzzy and other times they are harsh and cold and biting. And the quickness with which they change these moods of theirs makes me dizzy.

I can't even get a job at menards I am such a loser...

DAYS MAY BE CLOUDY OR SUNNY...

I am mostly out of the money. So the days are mostly cloudy no matter what it looks like outside. I have applied for jobs, this I have not done in over twelve years. I have not worked outside my home in over twelve years. Every time I apply for a job I think there is no way these people are going to hire me as I smile and try to talk like a grownup, another thing that hasn't happened in over twelve years. Life is funny, I need the money to feed my family and pay off debt but I would never say that in an interview. I wonder if it shows on my face how desperate I am....later.

CHANGE IS GOOD

I changed my blog look, black. I think it makes me look thinner.

WELL IT IS FEBRUARY TOO...

February sucks too, I have too much stuff and I am weeding it all out so the house is even more of a disaster than it usually is. Therefore, hubby's undies are riding up his butt and he has been in a mood lately. Ergo, my mood is stinky as well.

I did find a great site/group thing called freecycle and it rocks. You know that dress you were forced into buying for your friends wedding and she promised that you would be able to wear it again and you knew the moment you tried it on you would never wear it even if they stuck hot pokers under your fingernails but she was your friend after all and you felt as if you owed her. Well you can put that sucker on freecycle and someone will arrange to come and pick it up and either wear it themselves or give it to their niece who loves to play dress up. It is for all sorts of things that are "still good" and you can't bear to throw into a landfil somewhere, I guarantee that someone out there will want them for something. I have given more stuff away lately, it is very freeing. You can also get things as well but this I do not advise or you will never clean out your house you will simply fill it up with other peoples stuff and that is not freeing, trust me. They have local groups all over and if you should happen on this blog and you have the need to free yourself - look for it. It is a yahoo group.

Also Valentines Day is coming, poop! I really have bad feelings about Valentines Day. I think it is a giant rip off for one and it has become very disappointing as well. All those commercials showing glowing happy people giving and receiving jewels, flowers and candy. And the smiles on their faces, well let me just tell you that my face never glows like that. Hell I don't need a dozen red roses or a diamond ring, I would love it if I got a handmade card. Or if he would take the time to have my kids make me a card, alas it never happens. So poop on Valentines Day!!

It seems like ages...

Ok, so it has been a while but I have had hockey. I know that doesn't seem like it should be such a big deal but it is, there are practices to drive my #3 son to, games to drive same son to. And you always have to be there like an hour early because he has so much gear to put on - goalie. You would think I would get some reading done or something... but no I usually chat with the other hockey moms or take care of the baby or just sit there and stare off into space.

So far this year sucks, I wonder if that is a pre-determiner (is that a word?) for the whole year or is it just January?